My daughter is famous in our house for coining this short phrase. She could not quite make a complete sentence, and she would say “do it m’self” when I tried to help her tie her shoes – she was about two or three years old.
However, we cannot do everything ourselves, or by ourselves. We need others. How do you know when something should be undertaken alone or when you need others. Maybe this is obvious to ants, and other creatures but for someone who is awkward (more on this in a comedy sketch), like me, this was not obvious.
There are some obvious things you do by yourself, because you can: sleep, shower, eat, etc… In fact, you should do as much as you can by yourself so you are not a burden to others. But when does politeness and self-sufficiency become isolating and counter productive? Do we need help only with our burdens, or when we are so burdened down that we are overwhelmed by the burdens that came over us, or more likely we took on ourselves? Or is there a way to “plan” or think about help in a more nuanced way?
The high-level guidance that I’ve come to believe is to do the things that you are strong at, and that delight you, and find people to do the things you don’t like to do. Again, this may sound obvious but it’s not always so obvious. We sacrifice ourselves; we kill ourselves to be the best; to do the right thing and we do not get the desired outcome. Others use money to buy help and to steamroll over people and they appear to have it all, but become lonely and miserable when money runs out.
The Bible talks about looking at the ant. We are encouraged to “consider her ways, and be wise.” (Proverbs 6:6) How do ants do it? What are the nuances here. Obviously sleep, eating, and brushing teeth, among others, are things you do yourself. Well, eating yes, but cooking maybe, no? And that’s the point, even in this simple list we might argue about how to distribute labor. Let alone when it comes to advice.
My son, when he was young got the idea of asking for help, and he would ask for “a cup of water,” while he was playing video games. That did not go over well. But we do this as adults as well, and even in business. I’ve worked with many business owners who insist on doing everything themselves and sacrifice the growth of their company. Developers will do things the way they know and will not challenge their tools or their status quo – that is until AI emerges, and their jobs are threatened.
Obviously, there is a lot of leeway and wisdom needed to make this balance. Alice Boyles has started to help us by compiling 7 ways to know when and how to ask for help – how to communicate the need effectively. There is another list of 7 things to do in every communication to make it compelling and engaging to the other person. But questions may remain: how do you plan for help, how do you manage the help, so it does not get out of control, or overtake and threaten you? This is a core component to engagement and worth exploring and creating your own boundaries.
