If you find yourself often crying, being let down, or your kindness not reciprocated you may be carrying too much. The saying goes that “people who care the most get hurt the most.” But it’s a bit broader than that. It’s not that they get hurt but they lose out, they don’t get their way, they don’t get their needs met, and they are let down. This happens on the job as well. You get too invested in a sale, a project, a customer and when it does not go your way or you get fired you are surprised, devastated and hurt. So, what is the right amount to care? Or what else do you need besides care to make relationships work?
You may have heard the old saying that “love is all you need,” or “kindness is everything.” You may want to be a good person and imitate Jesus or some other great person. You may want to simply help, or you want to do the right thing. And these are all great instincts and great things to aspire to, however they are not enough. Just like a car has four wheels, so humans need more than care or love to be grounded, balanced, and be able to go the distance.
Boundaries is often the first casualty in a relationship where one person cares too much. Because you care you let the other party take more of your time, information, emotional energy, mental space, or resources in general; more than they should or deserve. You don’t even mind it, because you feel you are fulfilling your calling or being the best human. But this is naïve. When I was in college and married, I learned about this concept of boundaries.
I had grown up in a house where you could not say no to anything, from food to where you went to the clothes you wore. And humans need to make those decisions for them early on in life. This meant that I over cared and let my boundaries get trampled at work all the time. I would speak last, I would let others interrupt, I would go beyond my remit to help others and then did not get my own work done. Sometimes, I felt like I had to be giving back and did not take care to learn and develop myself. These are all symptoms of the same problem – a problem with boundaries.
If you feel let down a lot, you may have to look at other problems such as: discipline, follow through, lack of presence, ambition, etc. These all have to do with how much you care about something and how your actions match your care. For example, you obviously care for yourself but if you give up your exercise time for someone else – all the time – you are not valuing your own body.
Of course, you can care too little and still be hurt, or worse: “alone.” You may encounter jerks, narcissists, or socio/psychopaths of various stripes – life is not always fair and everyone is not always nice! The point is that you cannot change anyone beyond yourself, so learn to care enough and deploy the energy and resources you have in the right measure to the things you care about. Start with some of the books recommended below and find your own balance.
Recommended books:
- “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud, and Dr. John Townsend – https://amzn.to/45dRcgz
- “No more Mr. Nice Guy, the Hero’s Journey” – https://amzn.to/459k3UJ
- “The Subtle art of Not Giving a F*ck…” – https://amzn.to/4mnSGvx
